Archive for the ramble Category


Posted in ramble on February 9, 2012 by isidor

Still wondering for how long we will be able to carry on like this. Perhaps I’m just being delusional and the capitalist world is a far stabler place than I think it is, but still, as I saw Requiem for Detroit? the other day, I was saddened and elated at the same time. There’s a feeling of relief when the whole social ladder – car size escalation thing is blown to pieces; but if there’s going to be a new start, it is the most unpromising one.

Anyhow, the documentary is well worth watching, if only to see the ghost industrial complex.

Meanwhile, I’m still frightfully scared of my weaknesses and this hiding them is going way too far. Let us be clear about it. I blatantly failed, once again, to make new friends, or something of the sort, to learn something weighty, as Peter Eagleman would have it, to turn sand into stone. I did not try hard, afraid as I am of being exposed, but I suspect nearly everyone saw behind my pitiful farce. Some things you cannot hide, you just ooze them,smelling of helpless person, of Jimmy Corrigan. How can others like me when I don’t like myself in the first place? And well, that’s just pointless pessimism. I’m standing on a hill as I write. Enjoying the cold, because I like it and that is all. The mind wanders to weird places – how can one keep that promise, the one we all made ourselves when we were children, that we’d never grow corrupt, never become like every other adult? In some respects, I’ve kept that promise. Yet, I still live in a muffled world, where I don’t have to take many choices. When it comes to it though, how can you make a minimal change, if your ideas are so alien to your surroundings? Where do you even begin, when you can’t even reach out to somebody who is standing right in front of your face?

When in WWII, nearing the Hiroshima bombing, the Japanese civil faction wanted to surrender, the military caste that was ultimately running everything put up a useless struggle in the name of ‘honour’. In my case, the struggle is one for normality, my ‘honour’, the other, the peaceful self inside me, is the sardonic jester in perpetual wanderlust. Whether I surrender or not, is up to me; fighting will surely make me more wounded, but who knows, I might end up in a whirlpool of life again, just like when I used to go out with a girl and thought that friends were everything in my life. And they were! We’ve been taught to expect such things. Not to see them go away though. Not to expect that they might not come back! Not to expect you might end up a Vonnegut (or Rabo Karabekian), minus the artistic success. We are not, but it does happen.

Yet, it is weird, I am particularly serene. As I climb down the hill, ms. N comes to mind; though she has left now, godspeed, I don’t feel anymore the urge to explain to her why I behave like a bloody idiot. I just am, and that will be all.

Oh, and I don’t know if anybody at all reads this darned thing, but please ms. C, don’t say you miss somebody if you’re not going to call back. You can either disappear, or disappear not, half measures are for cowards such as myself.


“crawling on the planet’s face, tiny insects called the human race, lost in time, and lost in space – and meaning”

Posted in ramble on October 9, 2011 by isidor

Slow times and fast times alternate as part of one’s life. Slow times are what scare me most, as I realize I am afraid of the times we live in.
With a clouded mind I stare at a world that keeps growing without knowning where it is going; comfortably rich individuals dispersing themselves in a sea of trash that keeps growing, followed by the millions paupers trying to jump onto the same boat, unaware that it’s a sinking one.

Economic growth is becoming a nightmare, as much as the mentality that is being created; what is more, we have never been this conscious of our surroundings, yet utterly unable to divert our route, while trailing everybody else with us.

Information and awareness grow steadily, unmatched by a corresponding reaction. The greatest illusion is that of “green” growth, or of being able to continue our activities, unaltered and uncut, in a sustainable fashion. Not only it is wishful thinking and entirely too slow to take place, but a refusal of individual responsibility over what is happening, shifting it wholly somewhere else, in a place high up where we have no immediate influence. The biggest concern is perhaps not the speed at which we consume resources against the adoption of green technology, but the speed at which world population grows to include a new generation of fresh consumerists; the old one is merely beginning to realize its mistakes! What is the kind of face you will make when telling those deforesting the Amazon region to stop, because we have consumed all of our own forests already?

There is the environmental matter, over which much has been said, rightly so; and then there is a teleological one. How can we accept to be another piece of the puzzle (or brick in the wall) when we know it is to build a new Tower of Babel, no end in sight? There is an incredible amount of unscientific talk, that views humanity on a separate level from the animal kingdom, entirely on the account that we do not act according to instincts. Can we say that we are defying our neverending growth fetish, when we are all blindly rushing towards it? Perhaps we have a will as single persons, but as a whole, we act as a single, overreaching, blind creature. Starting as children we are taught that accumulation is life, zero growth is death; We have put so much into this concept that the idea of consistency and stability are missing entirely. Always wanting more without a limit is simply a filler for the meaning of our lives, which we only notice to be missing in the worst of times.
And I’m really no different. I’m still to afraid to commit myself to a life outside this vicious circle, to destroy the comfortable cradle that has been built around me, knowing that I won’t be making a difference. The same identical reason is stopping all the others.

Perhaps what I have written is stale, obvious, reiterated ad nauseam and hypocritical. Not any good to convince anybody; the real reason it is here, is in its being a reminder to myself. A reminder that I cannot act as if nothing is going on, and will soon need to make my move. For how insignificant..

Just passing through

Posted in ramble on August 28, 2011 by isidor

6 year long relationship breaks, coffee machine breaks, dish-washing machine breaks, trains I am riding break, my health (momentarily) breaks, 4 year long relationship breaks, hospitality breaks, kitchen air shaft breaks, glasses break, computer breaks (mine), battery charger breaks (also mine, is eaten by cat actually, not mine), employer-employee (the latter being me) relationship breaks, employer-supplier relationship breaks, apple juice carton breaks (in my backpack).

And well, do I really care? It seems all I want is to get back to my book.

Perhaps my heart is turning to stone; even that, though,  appears to me as not much of an happening.

Pro Columba Livia (In favour of the rock pigeon)

Posted in ramble on August 12, 2011 by isidor

When we do speak of pigeons, it is mostly as they come to interact with our city lives. Their are accused of being dirty and stupid, not to mention worthless parasites.
Therefore, they are generally disregarded, except for the annoyance they bring. Yet, it only takes a little to figure out that our bond with them goes beyond that; pigeon population control in cities is often effected through more efficent cleaning: in other words, their presence is relative to our own uncleanliness. It is but a simple hypocrisy: the contrast of our personal hygiene with the waste we produce (which is what pigeons feed upon). Pigeons have adapted to live in a hostile environment, living off our trash; they are not vermin*, but more simply a mirror of our own habits.  We are their habitat, and by looking at them you could tell something about us; feeling disgust at a city pigeon would be like shitting on the patio and then complaining it is dirty. As it is, we are refusing the world we are creating by looking the other way.

What is more, pigeon to human illnesses are extremely rare; the only one existing case of pigeon to human avian influenza became an excuse for pharmaceutical companies to sell even more expensive vaccines that, to date, remain unused.

Lastly, they are quite intelligent animals, having been used throughout history as message carriers, even during wartime; when trained to use mirrors, they are able to pass the mirror test, meaning they are one of the few animals with self-recognition capabilities.

* Pigeons do not fulfill the criteria for actual parasites, a parasite being a damaging entity to its host. The actual expenses (on our part) come up when a removal attempt is made, but that, I believe, has nothing to do with parasitism.